Suffering at the hands of some one who can never really love us hurts and so often we do not consciously choose to fall in love. At the outset of the relationship with a narcissist they will promise you the world, there is a long list of stories of how they loved others so much but were repaid by ingratitude and selfishness. The truth is they were the selfish one whose demands came first, but you won’t know this for some time down the track in my experience. There will be red flags but if you are basically a kind honest giving person who devotes yourself to others you may have been conditioned to accept their ways and you won’t have a radar for this kind of deception or little things they do will stun or shock you out of left field. If you have known love before these things do grate but being a kind person you keep on giving them the benefit of the doubt, even as they begin to devalue and discard you along the way and endlessly find fault with you.
This morning I had a long conversation with a close friend who married my ex partner’s sister. The entire family was shattered by their father’s addiction but none of them have sought recovery, they instead have taken out their pain on partners, keeping up walls of impenetrable defence against deeper vulnerabilities that true intimacy requires.
When I first met my ex he decided it would be bad to be in a relationship with me. You’re too vulnerable” he told me. On some level he perhaps knew he could cause damage but I didn’t fully understand narcissism before this and so I debated as to how strong I was, although vulnerable too, knowing true deep strength rests on vulnerability. Now I know for a true relationship to have survived he would have had to own his part and face his own vulnerabilities and this was something he could not do. When he dumped me 4 years later I got all the blame often for things I did out of healthy self protection and sadly I then believed him, it has taken over 4 years of therapy to work through the part my own low self esteem played in sealing a fate where I tried to attach to someone who could never love all of me and tried so desperately to change me into someone I never could be. My part in it was I didn’t have boundaries, I took his criticisms on board and began to try to win love and lose myself.
All of this is on my mind today as someone reblogged the first poem of mine ever published by a super kind blogger just over 3 years ago yesterday. The poem was on the pain of that narcissistic relationship and has also been published in a book by someone else recovering from narcissistic abuse. Having it reblogged showed me how far I have come 6 years out of that deeply painful dark night experience which launched my blog.
As I witness others struggle to break free of relationships with narc partners or parents I am reminded of the deep pain that comes from loving someone who cannot fully love us back. It is a lot like looking in a one way mirror and in this situation we can become like the nymph Echo who in the tale of Narcissist who sought his love and attention in vain and nearly died from the emotional hole of starvation left deep inside. We can also become the scapegoat or toxic dumping ground for all the narcissist cannot bear to face inside themselves or related to unhealed wounds of their own inner child of the past.
Pulling our energy back, learning to love and sooth ourselves is in the end the only answer. Looking for healthy others who understand is also so important. In the end our healing comes from knowing we loved a wounded soul who couldn’t break free of the prison of their illusion and defences. We may still love them but we can no longer sacrifice our own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health for them. Its like pouring valuable longing and life energy down a drain when we so sorely need it for ourselves and to nurture healthier relationships. To recover we must do a lot to build and strengthen and reclaim the true self the narcissist tried to decimate in us all the way along. I believe the relationship comes into our life to highlight our own narcissistic wounds and would encourage anyone in pain to launch on a path of healing.. the roots of why we accept such treatment lie buried in our past… we can heal and we can realise why we accepted a relationship that continued to cause us so much pain.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Great blog! I wrote yesterday about narcissists – an old friend and my mother and this explains how I feel really well. Knowing you love them but knowing you have to put yourself first. Thank you x
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Thanks so much for the positive feedback. ☺
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”We may still love them but we can no longer sacrifice our own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health for them. Its like pouring valuable longing and life energy down a drain when we so sorely need it for ourselves and to nurture healthier relationships”. So true! ❤
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I love that I can relate to everything you write. They say it takes one to know one, that only someone who has experienced the same can truly understand. I can only hope that when I look back for a glance in 1, 2 or 6 years that I can be where you are today. Although I’m getting better each day, it’s still painful and I still feel stupid for falling for it. I always thought I was smarter than this. Loll thanks again for sharing and for being here. Your beautiful insight is much appreciated!
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Reblogged this on Loves Illusion…… and commented:
I love her insight and understanding of Narcissistic personality Disorder and the facts that she made it to the other side of the pain and destruction of loving the Narc, it gives me hope that I will make it too and I hope it makes others feel the same. We can survive,💜
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You can and you will. I wont lie it nearly killed me and the pain was intense..but in the end I did break free. You will too. 💖
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I know I will!! Thank you. 💜
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I am here to talk to on the dark days. I know all about the self blame..try to remember you did nothing wrong it was a learning experience a very painful one. Love and hugs Deborah
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Thank you. I may just take you up on this. I’m still so angry, I don’t want to be 😥
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Its natural to feel angry its part of the process, part of feeling powerless, confused, turned upside down It will burn itself out. Try to accept your feelings but not magnify them.. its not easy. My email is deborahallin@hotmail.com if you ever need to talk. Also do you know of Kim Saeed’s blog Let Me Reach? She recovered from narcissistic abuse and has some great tips and advice on how to heal and concentrate on yourself. You may know of it..
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Thank you and I will look for Kim’s blog!
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It is indeed a very painful experience. Sometimes I wish that I’d never met my ex-narcissist but in the end it was a good thing for me – I learned many thing about myself that I needed to learn.
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I think that is so true, Lynette. We had important lessons to learn. ❤
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Do you think it’s common for a narcissist to try to change you into something he or she wants you to be, an abstract ideal no one can live up to?
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Yes because they dont really accept themselves either. They put aspects of themselves and their past away and cant bear to face them. You may trigger something for them. You need to always be true to yourself. I wasnt in that relationship. Hope this helps.
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Great Post! Loving a Narc who insists they aren’t one, is challenging and painful. I am bombarded daily by a man who says he loves me, but then plays endless mind games about other women he harbors at his place a different name every week. Fake photos that are clearly from a magazine. And hateful words daily, only to be told by him ‘I’m sorry i drank too much, or I’m depressed thats all, or I would never hurt you!’ even though he does it non stop, verbally. It’s like being in love with a complete lunatic.
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Im sorry you are going through all of that. Hard as ot is to say this nothing he does is personal..living in the state of non awareness he is means his actions are extremely hurtful. Theres a hurting child deep inside and you become the target. Thanks for sharing here only understandimg can help but its so hard when you hope for respect and love.
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Thank you for your blog on this. I fell in love with a LUNATIC Narc. And i’m still not sure why i’m letting him back in over and over. He swore his love to me, and then picks up women every other week from work or other places and tells me they’re just friends he met, new or old and he’s just being nice to them. He also tells me the details about it, like, he just kissed her once. Or sends half naked women to my device. He can be so sweet and then so evil in the same breath. The promises are what hurt most, they always sound sincere, but they’re not. I’m tired and warn out and it’s draining. I just wanted love, and instead, i got taken by a Monster.
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I hope in time you have the strength to let him go, Julie. I don’t believe narcs are monsters, just wounded kids who never got to be fully loved or learn what love really is. They are not aware of what they do or if they are have massive defences in place. Or maybe I am wrong here and some do it for the sheer hell of seeing loved ones suffer? Make sure you love yourself and that means putting up a huge stop sign to the narcissist. ❤
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Thank you for replying to me. It was so different in the beginning. I know there was abuse in his past but we all go through something, myself included. I just can’t wrap my brain around how he treats me. It’s horrible, i’ve been left in tears so many times, i don’t know if i have any more left to cry. I’m usually laughed at when im upset like its a big joke and im being too sensitive. He makes me feel like im unworthy, worthless, and ugly. It’s like giving him your heart only to have it ripped to shreds in front of you. Who does that? I’m beginning to feel numb the more time that goes by. He just says this is who i am, like it or not, can you deal with me? It’s hard letting go, so hard. Mental abuse is way worse than any physical abuse i could ever endure from a guy.
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Believe me I have been through exactly the same. It took me 4 years to let him go and it was the most deeply painful time of my life. He devalued me so much and I needed therapy to deal with the traumatic aftermath. He is not a child now (your partner) so dont put up with emotional abuse. It hurts like hell. 💖Stay strong.
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I am happy to listen via email..try to surround yourself with protection. Deborah
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If you could, yes that would be helpful right now, i appreciate an ear, right now. Thank you.very much.
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Let me know if you do email me in case it goes to spam. deborahallin@hotmail.com.
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
I am sharing this post again. it involves insights into narcissism I began to discover along my own path of healing.
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Thanks for fіnally writing about > Ƭhe рain of loving a narcissist.
– Emerging From The Dark Nigһt < Loved it!
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Glad if this helped you .so many suffer due to narcissists.. healing is possible.
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