Strong but not strong

I tried so hard

To be big and strong

I had to be

There was no one there for me

Not truly

Not that I remember

Not ever

I kept pushing on

You pushed us

So we had to push

And then we collapsed

But neither way is living

Straight and true

Supported

Emerging

Growing out of a strong base

Of shelter and protection

Don’t lie and say it made us stronger

When being strong

Meant we had to deny

Our weak vulnerable side

Because true vulnerability

Is undefeatable strength

So many times

I should have surrendered

Said no instead of yes

Bullied by you into believing it was weak

I pushed on

What a stupid idiot

I see it now

Somewhere inside I knew

When I had to sit to sign the deal

I was in bed with the devil

But I pushed on

Cause that is what you are supposed to do

Bah!!!!

Now I don’t know how to get out of it

For five long years I haven’t known

And I’ve kept denying it

And pushing on

Through all the family illness

Through her suicide attempt

Through my own emotional abandonment

Through the cancer diagnosis and radiation

Now I just want to pack up a bag and run

But I wont even allow myself that

You stay strong and you face your burden and challenges

And yes, there is some wisdom in that

But only if it doesn’t come

At the cost of denial

So now on my knees

I ask what is best

From a higher power that knows

I ask for a little help

From above or below

Because I am strong

But not strong enough

To do it totally alone

And I hear death calling

If I don’t make the right choice