I wrote this post last week just after my dog Jasper had an injury that is now healed. This morning going through drafts I re-found it, as you do with posts you cant quite remember writing but it is curious because at the moment before I was having the same conflict between being ‘in’ and ‘out’. I love our morning walks but I also love writing first thing. While writing the thought came to me, why not take your computer with you, but that would invade on the sanctity of nature, technology and I want to keep the two worlds separate. Anyway for what it is worth I am going to post this post which is a bit all over the place cause it shows me wrestling with something deep.
There is a contrast today between the cool fresh silence of my house and the hot stressful pressure of the world outside where anything can happen.
Jasper and I just returned from the park and he tore his dew claw the claw on the right hand side of his paw. He tore it during play just as I was thinking how much fun we have in spontaneous play at the park throwing the ball around. This kind of fun, spontaneous, relaxed play is some kind of healing balm for me. I was recently listening to a video on the 5 emotional needs of children by a Sydney psychologist and one of the basic needs he mentioned which was never fulfilled for me was spontaneous play. The pain over this really hit home hard.
Anyway its a tough call as we whilst we were playing this injury happened to Jasper and so we needed to retreat to the quiet, calm, cool of the house where he could rest and I guess his accident happening on a Saturday is a trigger or some kind of curious repeat as later I was triggered to remember a key incident from adolescence that affected me deeply when our dog, Sasha got hit by a car and then we had to give her away due to her injuries. It was only a few years later that I smashed up in my first car after a hitting a tree and nearly lost my life.
On the way back to the car with Jasper I had these kind of thoughts. See this is what happens when you go out into the world instead of resting at home, out in the world all kinds of traumas and dangers can happen to you and at home you are safe. And why should I put that need for quiet, calm and safety down today?
Life is full of these kind of dichotomies though and as my therapist pointed out the other day, it is probably more a case of both/and than either or. Sometimes its nice to rest in the soft calm healing safety of home. Sometime its not like that at home due to what goes on between my ears, but to day it is.
Then sometimes its fun to go out into the world and meet adventures. However deep down inside I believe that as an introvert I gain quite a lot of strength, energy and peace from being able to be quiet at home. At home I feel the connection to myself and am free to write and journey in inner worlds. I can just ‘be’ without the endless pressure to be out and ‘doing’ which can so dog our social worlds these days.
Anyway as a stop point here I am going to go out later for something to eat and for a swim trying to maintain the feeling of inner calmness and peace I am currently experiencing in just being able to be free on a day with no commitments able to rest silently in the centre of my own heart.
To be ‘in’ or ‘out’ maybe its not either/or but both/and.
Emerging From The Dark Night 