Some questions and ponderings on narcissism and narcissistic injury.

I just took a little break from writing to make myself some breakfast.  One of the thoughts that was percolating in my mind as I was turning over the narcissism/emotional neglect issue was this.  Is addiction a way of trying to come to terms with being raised with narcissistic issues, injuries or wounds that have gone underground? Its probably a no brainer, really!

One of the biggest issues recovering addicts face is that of resentment.  In the Big Book of AA resentment is called ‘the number one offender’ and it said we don’t truly recover until we deal with it.  It is said that resentments make us ‘dry drunks’.  Well there is a rampage of repetitive injury lodged deep in the addict’s soul that may be felt even more deeply and emerge to the top layer of the skin, working its way up during the years in which we stop putting a band aid over the injury with alcohol or drugs.  The nature of resentment relates to frustrated instincts or needs.

One of the things that made me leave AA was I felt as thought the addict was in some way blamed yet again for having these injuries or resentments, or for having developed unskilful ways of coping with the pain.  The advice was to forgive the offence which can stick in one’s throat if we don’t fully know what it is we are actually forgiving and haven’t done the therapy to sort this thorny issue out.  Due to the nature of narcissistic injuries which are deeply hidden and which we are often lied to about we tend to become confused.  Our resentment and frustration can also build when we try to deal with the narcissism in our family in our recovery and do the deep work of separating and sorting out our wounded or aborted individuation.

Today a light bulb went on for me.  We are encouraged in AA to forgive or at least recognise that those who wound us and contribute to our resentment are actually spiritually sick.   I would add to that by saying that due to their ongoing emotional illiteracy they are actually emotionally unwell and so cannot but wound us.  While we can forgive them or pray for them its not always a great idea to spend too much time around them, at least in the early and middle stages of our recovery.

Later on, after we have processed the pain, it is my experience that a kind of forgiveness does come. Some of these wounding others may not be all bad, they may have certain traits that keep us coming back and extending ourselves due to our need to feel love in our hearts anyway, despite past injuries.  This kind of healing seems more possible when our own hearts are recovered, when our own wounds have been lovingly tended, when we see that the wounding done to us is not always personal, and when we have been able to establish stronger boundaries around emotional invalidation or abuse. We may even feel deeply sad for them, that due to the nature of their own wounds or emotional blindness they have not been able to find or embrace healing in their own lives.

Writing this the crucifixion of Jesus is very much on my mind.  It seems on some level Jesus story is a story for those of us coming out of and healing narcissistic wounding and addictions.  Through our wound we suffer and can be put to death on a soul level or emotionally.  Through our deep suffering we may discover that the narcissists around us are unaware of what they are doing.  But are they all unaware?  I am sure some are not.  I am sure some of them do deliberately hurt us because long ago they split off from their own hurt or vulnerability and began to view it as weakness.  Some of them love their position of strength and power, a lofty, self righteous position from which they can look down and judge others and split, reject and project their own soft, tender underbelly outwards.

How true then are Jesus words?  Forgive them father for they know not what they do.  How much do we remain sacrificial lambs when we subscribed to naïve or unrealistic thinking.  What if they do know what they do.  What if our central lesson lies not in forgiving and turning the other cheek, but in walking away?

These are just some questions and thoughts I have post breakfast this morning.  I most certainly do not think all with narcissistic issues are evil, mean monsters.  Some may just be re-enacting painful wounds of their own childhood of which they remain ignorant.  Some of them may even need our own recovery and insights developed to guide them back to a place of clearer seeing, they may need our commitment to our own self love and boundaries to teach them critical lessons about healthy narcissism.  Some may change as a result of our change.  Some may reject us and stand firm.  In this situation it seems so important that we let go with grace and that in our demand to be seen we don’t become unhealthily narcissistic ourselves, demanding something from others that it is really our task to ultimately give ourselves.