Are you aware of the great watcher within who has been with you since birth and witnessed your life unfold, who may have been banished to the shadows by the word of others invested in hiding the truth, the witness who holds your truth silently, wisely and waits for you to open up your heart and listen to him or her?
Are you aware that there is a great healer within you who has the power to hold you while you endure the truth of what lies imprisoned in your soul beating its wings in the cage of your heart and being, longing to fly free and be expressed, the caterpillar self now transformed into butterfly by this willingness to be present and allow the truth no matter how painful or raw to express?
Do you know that however truly lonely it feels when those you love or have loved die, turn their backs, betray, negate you or leave you can fill that loneliness through an act of presence and solidarity with yourself by staying true and holding your own hand?
After a life time of looking outward I am now so fully aware of how much I need to turn within to this witness, this healer, this comforter. I am aware of the enormous pain and loss I have witnessed and suffered and of what strength it has taken to feel it, face it and not deny it.
I am aware of those who denied and the anger I felt and why I felt the need to run from the face of that denial, their diminishing words echoing through me for years. They were not, could not be present for me and the lesson in that was that I needed to be present for myself.
When I learned this I was able to keep looking for those who affirmed and did not deny me, who accepted and loved me without conditions and did not ask for my loyalty at the costly price of rejecting my deep truth. In having the strength to hold out for this was the most powerful homecoming, a coming home to the little one in me who waited so long for the adult Deborah to love her, hold her comfort her and nurture her and in the absence of that find those who could.
I have learned the absence of these things leaves a hole which does not nurture us. This hole draws us to others who are empty of true feeling and our healing lies in knowing how to fill the hole from within, by embracing it, feeling it and filling it with loving presence so that the emptiness in being faced can become fullness. So that we can know we are never ever alone and within ourselves we do really have all that we need to heal or point us the way towards feeling more joy and peace.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Thank you I found a lot of comfort in reading this today. In knowing that I can fill that emptiness. I think you are right to say when we act from that wound or absence we gravitate towards those who hurt is or give very little. I have seen this played out many times in my life. I am turning inward now for what I need even in those moments when it’s the last thing I feel like doing having been taught to disconnect and look outward for validation and love. I feel the beginning of something strong sturdy and stable, quiet and loving within.
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I think we have gone through something very similar, THS. I have seen too many times people turn away when I am not acting from my stronger self. I think it is up to us to re parent ourselves. We can find helpers like therapists and such but the real healing comes when we look within, at least that is what I am recognising lately.
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
I am exploring some of my earlier posts tonight. This is one I wrote 4 years ago on the Witness Self. It holds as true today as it did when I wrote it. The healer we need lives within us.
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