A Deep Dark Ocean

Some days I am swallowed up by a deep dark ocean

I did not think it was possible to go this deep

And when I am swirling or being spun

With all the feelings locked up inside

Of trauma, loss and regret

Unravelling

I am held down deep

By an invisible weight

Buried deep

I experience the longing to be alive

To return to that time when

I felt that I was really living

The pain is so deep

That it almost hurts to breathe

I awaken to a life that is a mystery

And some days I feel I am a stranger

In a strange land

Deep in exile

I am longing for home

But home is so very far away

And sadness bubbles up

And I am taken once more

Into the deep dark ocean

So deep, I feel I will drown

Later the shore is beckoning

Me to return

To my mother’s arms

Where I cry out all the pain

And know the pain we both carry

Is not separate

With the sharing

The deep dark ocean recedes

I go home to silent space

I make dinner

Sweep up leaves

And cuddle my dog

It seems there are two distinct phases of the day

Night feels more like home

Morning far away and strange

Within me is a mystery too deep to fathom

Beyond words

And sadness deeper than a thousand oceans

That cannot be reasoned away