I’m going to swear on this blog. Sorry to those who think its politically incorrect. Sometimes I wish my FUCKING mother would burn in hell. There its out there.
For years I have protected my Mum from my genuine anger over her manipulation and control. One of the things about manipulation is that it is a way for an abuser to hide from you the truth of what they are doing to you. That is FUCKING WITH YOUR MIND. I have just had one of the conversations with my Mum where I tried to address some feelings over things done to me over long years. The reception I always get, (why did I even try again?). How can you be so hurtful and horrible to suggest I did something wrong, after all, over all these years all I’ve ever wanted for you was what I thought was best for you?.
Yeah Mum, that’s just the FUCKING point its what YOU thought, it was never about what I thought, felt or really needed. That’s why you had my teeth braced and forced me to wear a FUCKING bit and bridle every night. Why you threatened to send me for elocution lessons. Why you accused me of being spoilt for “needing too much attention”. Why you laughed at my ideas, used the curled lip and pinched nose expression of distaste when something I did never suited you. Why you felt it was your right to read my personal journal without my permission and then confront me with the contents telling me how ashamed you were of what I had to do, and hide from you because you could not be trusted to lend emotional support to me when I really needed it. Oh yes that related to the time, at age 20, you gave me the silent treatment after walking into my house unannounced and finding me in bed with my then boyfriend. It really hurt me Mum. It left lots of scars emotionally.
My rebellion against all this was, of necessity silent. It led to my alcoholism. If I was actually able to have and express genuine anger over it I would not have needed the anaesthesia of alcohol. It was a way of numbing out the feelings that were too strong and now feel like nausea in my system when I try to confront you.
“I have to be so careful in what I say to you?” Mum says, “It’s like walking on eggshells, I am scared you are going to explode.” Implication – you are a scary, mad individual for having this reaction to perfect me. Well, hell yeah. I am still sitting on a powder keg of anger and distress from things said and done over years that never have been addressed or healed. That is what I am trying to do now, address and heal it.
Where is the empathetic understanding/acknowledgement that I actually said and did something to you that was abusive, crossed a boundary, negated, twisted or gas-lighted your reality?
Light bulb moment. I am living in fucking denial. This longed for understanding/acknowledgement is never going to happen.
What usually happens is that having had a dispute with you , where I tried to call you out on something, you turned it around, played the martyr and made me feel so bad about it. So scared of loosing your love and confused at your inability to address it I twisted myself out of shape in order to make things right, reach a reconciliation, only to be fucked over again. Implication – this would not be a problem if you were not so much of a problem.
This time that did not happen. I finally called you on it. You tried to back pedal and I terminated the conversation.
Something in me feels stronger. Even though I feel sick. I finally felt where the nausea was coming from. What you were doing was making me feel sick, I trusted that feeling, felt it, listened to its message and got the hell out of there. As I was urged to do by one site years ago : I made like a fish and swam away.
I no longer need your recognition of what you have done. Maybe now my twisted days nights will end.
Post script. Several hours later my mother actually rang and apologised for what she did in ignorance and not knowing better…. Sigh……why do I still feel a bit sick? My heart goes out to her, she doesn’t quite get it but cant bear to be bad friends. I don’t feel I have much of an alternative but to let it go…
Feedback genuine appreciated :).
Emerging From The Dark Night 