Saying Goodbye Isn’t Easy

Today we cleared out the final possessions from my sister’s room in the care house that was her home over 10 or more years.  So many reminders were there of who my sister was, the things that made her special… her love and talent for craft, nature, cooking, her love of her children and grandchildren from whom she was separated for many years, her association with the lovely ladies from the Anglican church who supported her over the last five years, taking her on outings, to card making classes, to the annual tulip festival.

There were drawings that her sons, now in their thirties and forties had done all those years ago, numerous photographs, cards and letters from years gone by.  It was the responsibility of my Mum and me to be there to undertake the task, to sort things, and to make the necessary decisions of what to donate to others in the home, to charity and what things we would keep as reminders of her life.  Due to the enormity of the job and our emotional fragility we chose to undertake it over a two week period.  Finally, at about 3 pm today we stood together in the empty room beside the bed where I had sat so many times holding my sister’s hand and listening to music, and said our goodbyes, shedding tears and holding each other.  We then got in the car and travelled less than one kilometre away to visit my other sister in the ward of hospital where she is undergoing care for depression.   I was not looking forward to the visit, I was dreading it and maybe that was because, as soon as we joined my sister in her room, a flood came down from my face and something deep inside of me felt like it was breaking.   The sadness was so very deep and there was nothing else to do but let it out and allow it to take its own path and time to release.  I had no desire to speak for the tears said everything that could not have been said with words anyway.  And in the end, the visit that I was dreading was just what was needed for my soul and healing.

This week has been painful.  I had been seeing a therapist, who rather than honour my process in this week, threatened to charge me for a session if I did not turn up on the day without 24 hours notice.  Never have I ever failed to show for an appointment, often at cost to myself.  At the moment I am totally rung out and exhausted. My sister passed away on the 20th April and it was a sudden death.   I had asked for time and space to process the experience.  A reply came back by text, a very terse reply at best.  “The best place to process your grief is in our sessions.”   I felt like my wrist had been slapped. And then last night my body was twisted up in anger.  For one thing this therapist communicated by text.  Why could she not pick up the phone?  When challenged this way of dealing with things a call came but the issue was never mentioned or addressed.  It was no surprise that by this time, I was choosing to  screen her calls.  And what she said was not right  The best place to process my grief was actually in the company of my family both biological and my support group family in Al Anon who have been walking with me over the past three years, sharing my sobriety and recovery journey.  These people don’t charge me.  They aren’t after my money.  They honour my process and timing, they don’t try and force solutions or people to their agenda.  They just want to love and care from open hearts.

I had problems with this therapist before and sadly I allowed her to reel me back in, against the advice of wiser people who got a gist of what she was doing.  I have had enough pain this week in dealing with the loss of one sister, let alone feeling the pain of my other sister who is really struggling.  At times is feels a lonely journey and yet I know, deep down, I am not alone.

Its getting late here now.  Its been a big day but a lot of the tension is now gone from my body.  Having told the therapist I wont be coming back I feel free finally and hopefully won’t have to wake deep in the middle of the night all twisted up with body pain.   And maybe at the moment, with Saturn squaring my Venus, my lesson is about trusting that even without professional help I have enough support and love around me to find places to go with the grief and sadness when it all gets too much.   I wont have to live in it 24/7 because there is a lot of light around me now, and so it is nowhere near as bad for me as it was in other times when losses came and I was, in fact, all alone because I could not reach out or open up to others.

Today I can trust my tears and my pain and even my anger.  I know these natural emotions will not undo me, but rather, if I can fully feel them they will lead me on a path to healing and peace.  And those two things, ultimately cannot be bought and are in no way dependent upon any therapist.